


remember & recover

by Nochi



Series: It Wasn't My Idea [9]
Category: the adventure zone
Genre: Balance Spoilers, Gen, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 05:21:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nochi/pseuds/Nochi
Summary: Don't forgive and forget. That doesn't fix anything.





	remember & recover

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Lucretia, and the dichotomy between her actions and Lup's, and am fascinated by the kind of relationship she and Taako must have had after the adrenaline wore off. This speech floated around in my head for a long time before I finally put it down, because I'm still not sure of my Taako voice. I hope it sounds at least a little like him.

Davenport doesn't speak to her for weeks. When he does, it's to tell her that he's leaving, off to explore the world they're settled on whether they like it or not.

"Figure we've had enough of people up and disappearing," he says tightly. She nods, offers him a handshake, but he turns and leaves. Lucretia doesn't blame him, but that doesn't stop it hurting.

Merle and Magnus are ambivalent about the whole thing. "We got the world saved in the end," Magnus says with a shrug. "And it's not like we can change what happened. No sense in obsessing over it." (His thumb rubs against the base of his ring finger as he says it. He's been doing that a lot lately.)

"A lot of good wouldn't have happened to me personally otherwise," Merle says. "It all came out in the wash." He smiles, and Lucretia smiles back, tries to take the words to heart. But they’re a flimsy bandage at best.

* * *

Lup is the balm for the wounds she left on her own heart; she doesn't just offer forgiveness, but  _ understanding _ .

"I didn't disappear in the middle of the night for dramatic effect," she tells Lucretia, the two of them curled together on Lup's sofa. A century together erases a lot of physical boundaries, and Lucretia appreciates the familiar comfort in spite of the lack of warmth or heartbeat. "If y'all knew what I planned to do, you'd have argued with me. Tried to stop me. Especially this bonehead." She jerks a thumb over her shoulder to indicate Barry. (Barry seems to act in favor of Lup’s feelings, but his smiles are growing more sincere as time goes on.) "And," Lup continues, "I might actually have listened." She clears her throat. "Where would we be then?"

"That's what I keep asking myself," Lucretia murmurs. "But then I feel like I'm just trying to justify what I did."

"So what?" Lup waves a hand in the air dismissively. "You did what you had to do. You got shit done."

"Eventually," Lucretia mutters, closing her eyes as Lup's hand settles in her hair.

"It's Taako, isn't it?"

Lucretia freezes, then nods.

"Davenport at least told me he was leaving," she says. "Taako hasn't even  _ looked _ at me since...everything."

"Speaking of dramatic..." Lup sighs. "You want me to talk to him?"

Lucretia tips her head up to look at her. "You will no matter what I say, right?"

"Yep." She pops the "p" and Lucretia smiles.

"Some things never change."

"You know it.”

* * *

She forgets about the offer as time goes by. She sees neither hide nor hair of Taako, and doesn't seek him out, respecting his apparent desire to stay as far away from her as possible.

So she’s greatly surprised when he appears in her office one day, all but kicking the door open before shutting it behind him, looking anywhere but at her.

"Taako," is all Lucretia can muster at first. Her quill is still pressed against the parchment, a large dark spot bleeding across its surface, and she swears quietly when she finally notices. Taako just stands there as she shifts her papers around.

"So Lup came to see me," he says when she's finally settled again. "She said I needed to  _ talk about my feelings _ ."

"I see." Lucretia folds her hands on top of the desk, trying not to clench them together.

The corner of Taako's mouth twitches upwards. "Nah, she told me I was being a little bitch."

Lucretia smiles too, a little nervously. "Those were not my words, I assure you."

"Yeah, I didn't think so." He sighs, looks around the office, and an exasperated, tired sort of expression settles across his features. "Look, I don't...I don't do  _ real _ very often, right? It doesn't exactly come naturally to me. Doesn't really sell, either, so I haven't put much work into it. But I'm gonna  _ try _ , okay, so just go with me for a second." Lucretia nods mutely, and Taako echoes it before taking a deep breath. His next words seem practiced, and they come out in a rush, like he wants to get them all out before he realizes what he’s doing.

"In that first minute after I remembered everything, when I realized what you did? What you  _ took _ from us? I have never felt more betrayed in my entire life. And I had a guy murder an entire town and let me think I did it." Lucretia closes her eyes, resists the urge to respond, to defend herself as he goes on. "I wanted to hate you. I...I  _ should _ hate you, right? But I can't." There's a thread of frustration in his voice now. "I  _ can't _ , because you're  _ Lucretia _ .  _ Our _ Lucretia. I can’t hate you, because you were just doing what we all did for a hundred years: the best you could with what you had at the time. Improvising. Surviving.” He takes a deep breath now, and Lucretia’s heart aches as she hears it stuttering. But she doesn’t open her eyes; she still knows him well enough to know he doesn’t want her to see him shake. “And I...I have to believe that. I  _ have _ to believe it, Lucretia, because the alternative is that you just...wanted us out of your way." Her eyes do fly open then and so does her mouth, ready to refute the very thought, to insist that she wanted nothing more than to have them by her side for all of it, there was just no  _ time _ -

But Taako lifts a hand (she pretends she doesn’t see it trembling), cutting her off, and she falls silent as she finally meets his eyes. There's a strange, powerful mixture of emotions there - betrayal and anger and, she thinks, just a hint of desperation.

"That's the only thing I can give you, Lucretia. The benefit of the doubt.” He drops his hand. “It's the only thing I can give you, in the name of…” He heaves a sigh, tipping his head back. “Of everything we went through together." He doesn't say anything else for a long while, and Lucretia lets the silence grow. When he does speak, it's carefully quiet, as though if he’s any louder he'll break something.

"I don't know how long I'll be mad. I might always be mad." He shrugs, eyes still on the ceiling. "I hope not. 'Always' is...a long time for elves." He waves a hand through the air as if to chase away his own black thoughts, and lowers his eyes back to her. "I'm not gonna tell you not to talk to Lup, because that's one step removed from telling Lup what to do and I fucking know better. But...this is gonna take time, okay? Don’t...don’t try to rush it."

"That was never my intention," Lucretia says, and doesn't bother to try to hide the thickness of her voice or the paleness of her knuckles where her hands are clenched together on her desk.

"Yeah, well." Taako looks away, then turns to leave. "Good."

The word wobbles in the air, like it's not quite what he meant to say, but it's what came out. And that's how he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

Lucretia's face is in her hands before the latch even catches, and Taako catches half a glimpse of it over his shoulder. He clenches his jaw, rubbing his hands over his own face for a moment, and walks away muttering a mantra of  _ someday, someday, someday _ under his breath.

  
  
  
  



End file.
